Mom Brain: The Mental Load of Motherhood
By: Melannie Laya
“Blame it on the mom brain!” is something we often hear on social media as a humorous attempt to gloss over the stress and mental load mothers face. But where do we draw the line between using humor as a way to cope and a cry for help? The mental load of motherhood is real and can be a cause of parental burnout and postpartum depression.
What You’ll Learn
Define what maternal mental load is
Neurological changes that occur in the maternal brain
Identifying the responsibility trap
What is Maternal Mental Load?
Maternal mental load is the unacknowledged and underappreciated effort that mothers devote to managing the many moving parts of parenthood. On top of all the responsibilities they held before becoming a mom, they are now constantly thinking and concerned about many new areas. These include:
The wellbeing of their child
What milestones come next
Whether they are doing the best they can as a parent
What else around the house needs to get done
And this is just a fraction of the thoughts that may be racing in a new mom’s head. It can be exhausting and draining to feel this need to perform at 110% all the time, yet still have the sense that you’re simultaneously falling behind. This topic is important for moms who experience complications during their pregnancy. Or those who experienced birth trauma, or have children with chronic health conditions. Their mental load may be significantly increased as they may carry with them feelings of guilt or inadequacy as a parent.
Understanding The Mom Brain Phenomenon
Matrescence and patrescence describe the biological, psychological, and social transitions that occur when people become parents. Matrescence is often compared to adolescence in the sense that our brains and bodies change to prepare us for this new life period. Our brains hold this amazing ability called neuroplasticity which is the brain’s ability to adapt and change. During pregnancy and matrescence, research shows that first-time moms experience about a 1% reduction in gray matter. They also have a stronger activation of the areas of the brain that deal with motivation and empathy (Callaghan et al., 2024). Gray matter is the brain cells that deal with information processing and memory.
Besides the structural changes that occur in new moms’ brains, postpartum is also a period of prolonged stress and decreased sleep. Stress and sleep play a major role in memory formation and retention. While stress can sometimes enhance memory, chronic stress leads to an impaired ability to recall memory later on. It has been associated with depression and anxiety. Sleep serves to join and strengthen the memories we form throughout the day to save them in our long-term memory. But for many new parents, sleep seems like a luxury that is out of reach. Their sleep schedule now simply revolves around their baby’s feeding and schedule.
Relationships: The Responsibility Trap
The responsibility trap describes a form of relational dynamics that is often seen in family systems during postpartum. It proposes that when two people have a duty or obligation towards something or someone, there is an over-responsible and under-responsible party that gets caught in a feedback loop. One person withdraws from their responsibility and forces the other person to become over-involved in their responsibility. The more the overly-responsible person takes on duties to compensate for their partner, the less the under-responsible person feels like they are needed - and the cycle continues.
Perhaps this dynamic always exists in relationships to varying extents. Yet, it is emphasized when new parents bring home their baby. When looking at opposite-sex couples, often it is the mom who has to pick up the slack. In the beginning, it may not be obvious due to the stress of this new life change where your whole world changes. You may find yourself caught in this responsibility trap a few months postpartum. You may notice your partner may not be as involved in midnight feedings, diaper changes, or household chores. This shift, although subtle, makes moms the default caregiver and adds to her mental to-do list. A study done by Kamp Dush et al. (2017) dives deeper into the division of labor. He found that on nonwork days, men engaged in leisure activities about 35% of the time. Meanwhile, their partners were engaged in household chores or childrearing. In contrast, women only engaged in leisure activities about 16%-19% of the time that their partner in household chores or childrearing. In today’s society, moms may feel that pressure to be a “supermom”. They devote hours of mental energy to everyone else’s needs before they even acknowledge their own needs.
This responsibility trap can leave moms feeling unsupported and lonely. This feeling could increase their risk of postpartum depression or anxiety. Because they aren’t receiving support from their partner, many moms may not feel comfortable asking and seeking support from other sources. This feeds into this fear of inadequacy and increases the pressures moms feel on their shoulders.
Maternal Mental Health Counseling To Cope With Mental Load
Balancing motherhood and postpartum depression and anxiety can be tough. Here at Xen Family Therapy, we are here to help you through these challenging times. We provide couples counseling, individual counseling, and postpartum group therapy. Now accepting new clients in-person in St. Pete, FL and virtually in Florida, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, and West Virginia.
If you are looking for a maternal mental health therapist, feel free to book a consultation with us whenever the time feels right for you.
For extra support, call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-852-6262.
