Breaking Free from the Maternal Self-Neglect Trap
Written by: Melannie Laya
Whether you are a first-time mom or already have little ones and are expecting another, postpartum is an experience like no other. Your world completely changes instantly, and now it seems like your routine is solely focused on caring for your baby. It’s like your day now revolves around diaper changes, feedings, and cuddles. The idea of taking care of yourself, even if it is just a five-minute break, can seem completely out of reach.
Many moms go through an “identity crisis” during postpartum. They often feel they are no longer the same person they were before having kids, yet don’t exactly know who they are now. During this time, it is easy to neglect yourself because of the unrealistic expectation that we need to be “supermoms”. The truth is it is okay to feel overwhelmed. Self-care is such a necessity during this period of your life because it will allow you to reconnect with yourself. What’s good for you is good for your family, practicing self-care will help you be the best mom you can be for your baby.
Let’s navigate what self-neglect and self-care are during postpartum.
What is Maternal Self-Neglect?
Postpartum heavily focuses on the physical well-being of the mom and baby - emotional well-being takes little priority. However, maternal mental health is crucial during this period. For many moms, it feels like their day is running on autopilot, where the idea of taking a break is not possible. It’s like there is not enough time in the day to take care of everything. New moms often report feeling the pressure to sacrifice themselves and their needs to fulfill their baby’s needs. Due to the guilt, shame, and stigma surrounding postpartum depression, about 40% of women don’t seek help in managing their mental health (Manso-Córdoba et al., 2020). Self-neglect often is a symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety. Thus it is crucial that moms and their families know how to recognize the signs.
Dr. Vivek Murthy, the U.S. Surgeon General, in his advisory warning about parental well-being and mental health, reports an increase in parental stress and pressure. This can have negative ramifications not only for the family but also for society. In today’s society, moms wear many hats and can report feeling pressure to act like a “supermom, ". This can result in taking on too many responsibilities and parental burnout. Working moms may also face added stressors when trying to find childcare or due to the inflexibility of their employers surrounding work hours and sick leave. Dr. Murthy calls for a cultural shift where everyone, ranging from governmental policies to parents and their families, is equally responsible for helping mitigate this public health crisis.
What Does Maternal Self-Neglect Look Like?
Maternal self-neglect can often look like:
Forgetting to eat:
Whether it be a snack or a full meal, many moms are so occupied with ensuring that everyone else in their family is fed that they often forget they haven’t eaten. Postpartum anxiety and stress may suppress your appetite or even induce nausea because your body enters a fight or flight mode. This makes remembering to eat or keeping food down a challenge.
Postponing scheduling your own health checkups:
The postpartum period often focuses on the baby’s health and wellness check-up, which may either leave moms without the time to tend to their own personal and health care needs or simply feel like they too aren’t a priority. This can be a slippery slope because some moms may postpone significant medical procedures or checkups for years.
Lack of personal hygiene:
It can feel like their day is slipping away, and with everything else moms must juggle, personal hygiene takes the lowest spot on the priority list. This may look like not showering for days or weeks, not changing out of soiled clothes, not brushing your hair or teeth, etc.
Social Isolation:
Due to the stigma and shame many moms feel surrounding asking for help, social withdrawal and isolation are unfortunately common.
What is Maternal Self-Care?
The image that comes to mind when thinking of self-care usually involves self-pampering to an extent, often involving some elaborate skincare routine and getting your hair and nails done. It would be amazing if all moms could engage in this type of routine if they choose to. Unfortunately, most don’t have the time, social support, or financial means to do this due to the expenses and resources needed to take care of a baby. Roadblocks that prevent new moms from practicing self-care include many challenges. These could be limited time and resources, trouble asking for help, and difficulty setting boundaries with others (Barkin & Wisner, 2013).
As Audre Lorde said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation.” You cannot be fully present for your family if you are not fully present for yourself first. Finding the balance between self-care and your maternal role can be challenging but it is so crucial.
Self-care involves any activity, big or small. Anything that helps replenish your spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological, and relational well-being. It can range from taking four deep breaths during moments when you’re feeling overwhelmed, to journaling, or spending time in nature. The options are endless and can be tailored to whatever you need at that specific moment. Having a self-care plan with a myriad of activities and ideas can help moms cope with the stressors that follow motherhood. It may also be helpful to try out some of these self-care activities during pregnancy. This way, you can get an idea of how that routine works for you and what activities you enjoy.
Conclusion
Navigating postpartum can be a challenging time for any mom. With all the responsibilities that come with motherhood and the difficulties of postpartum depression, self-neglect is an unfortunate consequence for many. Here, we explored the difference between self-neglect versus self-care. We also focused on warning signs when moms may start to fall into the self-neglect trap.
Balancing motherhood and postpartum depression and anxiety can be tough. Here at Xen Family Therapy, we are here to help you through these challenging times. We provide couples counseling, individual counseling, and postpartum group therapy.
If you are looking for a maternal mental health therapist, feel free to book a consultation with us whenever the time feels right for you.
For extra support, call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-852-6262.
References
Barkin, J. L., & Wisner, K. L. (2013). The role of maternal self-care in new motherhood. Midwifery, 29(9), 1050–1055. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2012.10.001
Manso-Córdoba, S., Pickering, S., Ortega, M. A., Asúnsolo, Á., & Romero, D. (2020). Factors Related to Seeking Help for Postpartum Depression: A Secondary Analysis of New York City PRAMS Data. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(24), 9328. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17249328
Office of the Surgeon General (OSG). (2024). Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents. US Department of Health and Human Services.